Everyday I'm shuffling...

Everyday I’m shuffling... Party Rock Anthem - Lauren Bennett, GoonRock

Today was VERY rough... I got a call while at work from *BEEP* Bank. Firstly acknowledging my late brother’s death, asking for proof of his death and THEN pushing for a death certificate to be sent through TODAY! My mom contacted the bank to inform them of his death. Why had they not gotten in touch or asked for documentation within that first month, not 4 months down the line. I just lost it!!! All the bottled up emotions. The perfected "I’m fine, thank you’s". The masked layers of I’m-doing-great. The walls came tumbling down.

I found myself barely able to breathe or talk. I went to the bathroom to escape my desk and compose myself. And for some odd reason; all my in case of emergency contacts, were not available. I was stuck in the car park for over 30 minutes trying hard to gain composure. I didn’t realise I was not in the right frame of mind to drive until I saw lights flickering, cars hooting then it dawned on me that I was facing oncoming traffic...

I raced to get home to my sanctuary to find solace. Thank You Lord I got hold of a friend in need, Ntombi who contained and helped to navigate me home. Now I understand why my friend, Thembi (a Psychologist) has been pushing and nagging me to seek help before things get out of hand. I finally made the call to seek professional help. I guess I now realise that even though I may be very strong I DO need the help.

Maybe the problem was trying to move on too quickly and getting myself into functioning mode. But from experience of losing my dad, I didnt want to find myself beyond repair, therefore the need to get on with it. My brother's loss was sudden, not expected and just reopened the scars that were buried. In the past I used to wonder why someone in their 60s still cried over the loss of their 90 year old parent. Like really, did you expect them to live forever! Comparing the fact that my dad passed away at the of age 55 and my baby brother was only 23 years old. Werent they too young and more deserving of more years than a 90 year old? Loss is loss is loss. There is no small loss, just the impact experienced by the loss.

This is so much out of character for me to openly share my pain, especially publicly. Even though I feel exposed, on the other hand it's as if I can breathe better by capturing whatever emotions I go through. One motivation to write could be that my late brother was a writer and poet, not necessarily a talker. I realise how wise he was, as I continue to capture these bottled up feelings and unleash my pain onto paper. Or in this case keyboard.

Most days are fine, life goes on I guess. I feel like I've “moved on and accepted” his loss. Some days are a bit tricky though, I wake up down and feeling low. I keep fighting through, keep on keeping on. Everyday I’m shuffling whatever emotions life evokes and put on my big girl panties and deal!

Strange title and song considering the emotionally charged tough day I had. Funny though that this is my HAPPY get up and go song... I played the song, jumped right out of bed, danced and laughed as I cannot keep up with the moves. Yep, this song got me on my feet. ;-)

Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
And we gonna make you lose your mind
Everybody just have a good time
We just wanna see you "Shake that"
Everyday I'm shuffling