Everyday I’m shuffling... Party Rock Anthem - Lauren Bennett, GoonRock
Today was VERY rough... I got a call while at work from *BEEP* Bank. Firstly acknowledging my late brother’s death, asking for proof of his death and THEN pushing for a death certificate to be sent through TODAY! My mom contacted the bank to inform them of his death. Why had they not gotten in touch or asked for documentation within that first month, not 4 months down the line. I just lost it!!! All the bottled up emotions. The perfected "I’m fine, thank you’s". The masked layers of I’m-doing-great. The walls came tumbling down.
I found myself barely able to breathe or talk. I went to the bathroom to escape my desk and compose myself. And for some odd reason; all my in case of emergency contacts, were not available. I was stuck in the car park for over 30 minutes trying hard to gain composure. I didn’t realise I was not in the right frame of mind to drive until I saw lights flickering, cars hooting then it dawned on me that I was facing oncoming traffic...
I raced to get home to my sanctuary to find solace. Thank You Lord I got hold of a friend in need, Ntombi who contained and helped to navigate me home. Now I understand why my friend, Thembi (a Psychologist) has been pushing and nagging me to seek help before things get out of hand. I finally made the call to seek professional help. I guess I now realise that even though I may be very strong I DO need the help.
Maybe the problem was trying to move on too quickly and getting myself into functioning mode. But from experience of losing my dad, I didnt want to find myself beyond repair, therefore the need to get on with it. My brother's loss was sudden, not expected and just reopened the scars that were buried. In the past I used to wonder why someone in their 60s still cried over the loss of their 90 year old parent. Like really, did you expect them to live forever! Comparing the fact that my dad passed away at the of age 55 and my baby brother was only 23 years old. Werent they too young and more deserving of more years than a 90 year old? Loss is loss is loss. There is no small loss, just the impact experienced by the loss.
This is so much out of character for me to openly share my pain, especially publicly. Even though I feel exposed, on the other hand it's as if I can breathe better by capturing whatever emotions I go through. One motivation to write could be that my late brother was a writer and poet, not necessarily a talker. I realise how wise he was, as I continue to capture these bottled up feelings and unleash my pain onto paper. Or in this case keyboard.
Most days are fine, life goes on I guess. I feel like I've “moved on and accepted” his loss. Some days are a bit tricky though, I wake up down and feeling low. I keep fighting through, keep on keeping on. Everyday I’m shuffling whatever emotions life evokes and put on my big girl panties and deal!
Strange title and song considering the emotionally charged tough day I had. Funny though that this is my HAPPY get up and go song... I played the song, jumped right out of bed, danced and laughed as I cannot keep up with the moves. Yep, this song got me on my feet. ;-)
Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
And we gonna make you lose your mind
Everybody just have a good time
We just wanna see you "Shake that"
Everyday I'm shuffling
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Bon Jovi concert with my brother
Bon Jovi concert with my brother
11 May 2013
Epic performance is an understatement!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
When I'm Gone - by Mrs. Lyman Hancock
In memory of my baby bro'
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile
Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day
Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay
And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best
In memory of my baby bro'
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile
Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day
Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay
And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Loss...
I don't know if I have processed it yet. I guess not. Not really sure what to write really... How does one ever capture loss? I guess you can't. You can only feel it. Process it. Work through it. And someday heal and live through it. Forever missed
Friday, August 15, 2014
Sicelo Phiri (Forever missed)...
SICELO EDWIN PHIRI 23 March 1991-16 July 2014 (23yrs old)
Sicelo is my baby brother. I guess he WAS my baby brother. "WAS" just sounds so past tense, as if he never existed... I am the eldest at home, 2nd is my sister and then him. When we were kids, I guess my sister and I were tired of being the only girls at home and needed some spicing up of the family dynamics. So we asked our parents to bring us a baby brother. His name can be loosely translated to "a plea" or "a request" from us "asking" our parents for a baby brother = ISICELO. When I was 11 years and my sister was 9, he made his grand entrance. This is a true story by the way...
Sicelo was born with a love for music, computers, animals and farming. He was a self taught website developer, photographer, a passionate lyricist, poet, animated graphics illustrator, hip hop head and a rock star in his own right. He was by far the coolest and meanest air guitar player I've ever met.
Sicelo was never one to complain but a gentle and polite soul. He listened and reflected more than he spoke. He was quite, generally shy but always curious. He took after our late father in so many ways. As soon as you peel off the layers, you'd discover a gem, his quick wit and a deep seated sense of humour. He was a good handy man around the house, always finding innovative ways to do things better and fixing electrical appliances (this was a gift from our late father). But he was also a restless soul, always searching and seeking to make sense of his life. Smart about the use of creative words, however clueless about life. Always in a hurry, but never on time...
We are eternally grateful for the love, friendship, laughter and the bond we shared. Lord, please keep him safe under the shadow of Your wings. Thank You very much for lending him to us for 23 years. May Afrika's soil cocoon her son in peace...
Baby bro' you will forever be missed. May your soul finally find perfect peace...
Ee sehlabelo saka ke nna ka sebele. Jesu Morena waka o se amohele.
Sicelo is my baby brother. I guess he WAS my baby brother. "WAS" just sounds so past tense, as if he never existed... I am the eldest at home, 2nd is my sister and then him. When we were kids, I guess my sister and I were tired of being the only girls at home and needed some spicing up of the family dynamics. So we asked our parents to bring us a baby brother. His name can be loosely translated to "a plea" or "a request" from us "asking" our parents for a baby brother = ISICELO. When I was 11 years and my sister was 9, he made his grand entrance. This is a true story by the way...
Sicelo was born with a love for music, computers, animals and farming. He was a self taught website developer, photographer, a passionate lyricist, poet, animated graphics illustrator, hip hop head and a rock star in his own right. He was by far the coolest and meanest air guitar player I've ever met.
Sicelo was never one to complain but a gentle and polite soul. He listened and reflected more than he spoke. He was quite, generally shy but always curious. He took after our late father in so many ways. As soon as you peel off the layers, you'd discover a gem, his quick wit and a deep seated sense of humour. He was a good handy man around the house, always finding innovative ways to do things better and fixing electrical appliances (this was a gift from our late father). But he was also a restless soul, always searching and seeking to make sense of his life. Smart about the use of creative words, however clueless about life. Always in a hurry, but never on time...
We are eternally grateful for the love, friendship, laughter and the bond we shared. Lord, please keep him safe under the shadow of Your wings. Thank You very much for lending him to us for 23 years. May Afrika's soil cocoon her son in peace...
Baby bro' you will forever be missed. May your soul finally find perfect peace...
Ee sehlabelo saka ke nna ka sebele. Jesu Morena waka o se amohele.
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