I have dreaded July for months. Feeling a bit anxious, scared out of my mind to get to TODAY. I don't know what I expected. I dreaded waking up in this morning. I wish I could have taken a day off, but due to deadlines I could not afford to stay home reminiscing or torturing myself in sadness. I am grateful that today God kept me busy at work that I did not have time to think or feel way too emotional. I had so much on my plate, figures, spread sheets to sort out and a lot to concentrate on. Time flew and I hardly noticed the day.
It's a year since Sicelo passed. How time flies... I was playing The Script, one of the lyrics goes something like: "There's no start, there's no end cos this love it transcends. The energy never dies..." I am grateful for life as we breathe it daily, opportunities and great health. Oh cut the mambo jumbo positive talk already. It hurts to think of him. I am fine. I guess. Or at least I hope...
I see him in every young and skinny young man I see... Today was really a strange day, I was calmer than usual. Maybe I was way too guarded that I shouldn't just lose it. I was calmer on the road, even when frustrated I was calm. My brother was a very quite, calm and meek soul. I am glad I could honour today with the gentleness he had.
I did not touch base with my sister or mom today. I think we all need to find our way through the maze. We heal differently, it's a journey. Strange that a year on we have not even discarded his ashes. I guess as an Afrikan family, who have never had cremation done I am not even sure what we should do with the ashes. We have disagreements on where to lay/ scatter or keep his ashes. I just gave up and my mom can make that call.
I would have liked him to be laid to rest in our dad's grave I guess. Two for the price of one. Why keep them apart when they were so much alike. Plus my dad "can" orientate my brother once they are reunited... My mind wanders off to a heart warming hug, long time my son, I missed you, me too, let me show you around... Ok I digress a bit, humour has a way of making things feel much lighter.
He passed away at 19h00pm on 16 July 2014. No illness. Not an accident. Not suicide. Strange. A lot of questions. No answers...
Afrika's soil has cocooned her son and wrapped him in her bosom in perfect peace...
