Loss...

Today marks a month since my brother passed away.

I don't know if I have processed it yet. I guess not. Not really sure what to write really... How does one ever capture loss? I guess you can't. You can only feel it. Process it. Work through it. And someday heal and live through it. Forever missed

Sicelo Phiri (Forever missed)...

SICELO EDWIN PHIRI 23 March 1991-16 July 2014 (23yrs old)


Sicelo is my baby brother. I guess he WAS my baby brother. "WAS" just sounds so past tense, as if he never existed... I am the eldest at home, 2nd is my sister and then him. When we were kids, I guess my sister and I were tired of being the only girls at home and needed some spicing up of the family dynamics. So we asked our parents to bring us a baby brother. His name can be loosely translated to "a plea" or "a request" from us "asking" our parents for a baby brother = ISICELO. When I was 11 years and my sister was 9, he made his grand entrance. This is a true story by the way...

Sicelo was born with a love for music, computers, animals and farming. He was a self taught website developer, photographer, a passionate lyricist, poet, animated graphics illustrator, hip hop head and a rock star in his own right. He was by far the coolest and meanest air guitar player I've ever met.

Sicelo was never one to complain but a gentle and polite soul. He listened and reflected more than he spoke. He was quite, generally shy but always curious. He took after our late father in so many ways. As soon as you peel off the layers, you'd discover a gem, his quick wit and a deep seated sense of humour. He was a good handy man around the house, always finding innovative ways to do things better and fixing electrical appliances (this was a gift from our late father). But he was also a restless soul, always searching and seeking to make sense of his life. Smart about the use of creative words, however clueless about life. Always in a hurry, but never on time...

We are eternally grateful for the love, friendship, laughter and the bond we shared. Lord, please keep him safe under the shadow of Your wings. Thank You very much for lending him to us for 23 years. May Afrika's soil cocoon her son in peace...

Baby bro' you will forever be missed. May your soul finally find perfect peace...

Ee sehlabelo saka ke nna ka sebele. Jesu Morena waka o se amohele.

Volcano about to erupt

My journey begins with thoughts that propel me to greater heights. Joy finally. For the freedom and adventure always buried and yearned for. It’s been brewing under the surface, now like a volcano it’s about to erupt. I can no longer silence and quieten my dreams…

I feel so much at peace with my decision. Finding my God given purpose and following it to the ends of the world. I want freedom from material baggage. Who needs 3 bedrooms when you only use one? A double garage, when you only have one car. Do I use a different door depending on my mood? A huge backyard you hardly go outside to.

So I want to be break free. I need to detox my system, declutter my home & life, minimise, keep things I really love and need. My prized possessions are my books, family pictures and music. No more baggage. Ask myself what makes me happy? What do I need for my life? I have always wanted peace of mind. Writing gives me that sense of peace. My dream is within my grasp. The question is am I ready to live my life, no limits, not by comfortable standards but a life of purpose?

It’s never too late to make mistakes, be silly, let down your hair and just be. Live in the moment and not carry the whole world on your shoulders. Wondering who will take care of things while I pursue my dreams. Who will do this or that. God gave us all an assignment, I cannot carry yours out for you. I cannot give you fish, you need to learn to fish for yourself. My legacy may not remain in monuments, statues, books of history and big mansions. But t will live in the hearts of those I love. Now is the time for me to pursue my dreams. Ignorance may be strength. But once you know what you need to do, it’s hard pleading ignorance.

* Win the lotto and quit corporate (hee hee hee)
* Travel, volunteer in the rest of Africa - Connect with international NGO’s, work and travel
* Community development work – children, youth, women and communities
* Writing to capture my travels and their struggles and phenomenal unsung heroes who didn’t make the history pages

If all else fails… Then I will pack my bags, next plane back home, pack away my pride, hang up my pen to dry, live humbly and fulfilled that at least I have attempted to live my curiosity, passion, adventurous dreams, seen some parts of the world, touched lives and carry the memories.

Something Inside So Strong - Labi Siffre

The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The farther you take my rights away
The faster I will run
You can deny me
You can decide to turn your face away
No matter, cos there's....

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice
The louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho
Your lies will come tumbling
Deny my place in time
You squander wealth that's mine
My light will shine so brightly
It will blind you
Cos there's......

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not good enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
I'm gonna do it anyway
I'm gonna do it anyway

Something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just good not enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
I'm gonna do it anyway
I'm gonna do it anyway
I'm gonna do it anyway
I'm gonna do it anyway

Because there's something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Because there's something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

I want it all

Get rich quick schemes

Have you ever been one of those people who keep their cellphones handy in order to sms to stand a chance to win this and that? Those gullible people who risk it all just to stand a chance to win it all? The 411 scammers know how to tap into people’s deepest wants. Apparently there’s a man in Australia who has lost his well earned money, risked all his life savings to release the millions promised to him by an unknown deceased “uncle”.

I found myself recently sms’ing, also being bitten by the “get rich quick scheme” bug. I never thought I’d be one of them. I was always the one telling my mom how she wastes money, airtime, post stamps etc entering these competitions. Telling her the odds are a million to one. I suppose her argument is what if she could be the ONE!

So I started thinking of the law of attraction. If you want it badly, you can have it. I want a weekend away, shopping spree, home makeover, wardrobe makeover etc. Come to think of it, I am focusing a lot on what I WANT rather than what I NEED. Then I realised I have been sufficiently blessed with so much, all my needs are met in abundance. Love, laughter, health, joy, waking up daily, being able to praise Him, support structures, work for my hands, food, warmth etc. I am grateful to have what I NEED, so what if I don’t have what I WANT?

At 30+, quarter life crisis and regressing...

The rush, craziness, constant demands, wants, so much to do, so little time, checklists that never get crossed out, get up & go, hurried baths, shave on the run, make up in the car, road rage, leave & come home in the dark, microwaved meals, tv, rush, no time for gym, meetings, traffic, noise, deadlines, scream, stress, pressure, depression, loneliness, compulsive behaviours, freaked out, anger, where did the weekend go? Time, time, time, no quality of life... Phew! I forgot my trail of thoughts with so much to do.

is it a quarter life crisis? What crisis? Am I regressing? I guess I just want OUT!

I am just yearning for a deeper meaning in life, change, a 180 degree shift in lifestyle. Calmness, stillness, peace of mind and joy. I don’t see myself sustaining this lifestyle here… I want the simpler things, lighter load and to declutter my life.

Recently a friend and I decided to take a stroll around Wits campus. Reminicing about the good ol' days. It felt like we were back at varsity. Wits gave us the edge. We had everything on campus, the simpler finer things. Poetry, writing school, theatre, dance, hip hop, languages, gym, choir, counselling, parties, yoga, lawns, open spaces, academics, debates, engaging one’s mind and volunteering in local communities all under one umbrella. Now wiser and older I appreciate the time and opportunities we had. I mean I love my life and all that jazz...

However I would do anything to get out of this rat race, constant pressures, too many responsibilities, bills to pay, making major life changing decisions, constant need of an increase, changing careers, moving houses etc. No more bumming on the lawns and cutting classes. Now someone owns my time, freedom and ultimately owns me. I miss my volunteering days, going into the rural areas and local comminities to give back. What stops me now, you may ask? Time… this… and… that… Every precious time you get on weekends you want to use it for rest and relax before the following week’s grinding begins all over again.

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet says Work is love made visible. “If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy". I don’t really think our generation loves working. Not like my father’s generation, where they worked until they retired old, gray and sometimes too sickly to even enjoy their small retirement “fortune”. I think if given an opportunity, most of us would opt to stay at home. I would to, be a stay at home travelling woman. I have thought this all out. The things I would do to keep myself me sane, the important things I have been putting off due to lack of time. I would give anything to get out of this rush and travel, see new spaces, give my time to people who really need it, empower communities, write and capture my experiences and freelance. My time belonging to me, engage in certain community projects, have more time to cook, write, read etc. Oh the life of leisure. I think I was born for that. Until then I guess it’s back to the drawing board to find out how to gain the necessary exposure in order to make those dreams a reality…

Your passion and dreams lived out

What did you want to be when you grow up? Do you still remember? Are you on that path? Are you aligned to your childhood goals or have fallen off track? And have others charted the path for you? I ask this because, I have allowed pressure, comfort, life and others to advise, live and chart my course for me.

Mother Teresa – that’s who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do when I was growing up. No one understood why the life of servitude, helping the needy and living a simpleton life. Everyone else wanted to be a doctor, scientist, own a mansion, drive this and that. I just wanted to travel the African continent and touch lives. That was my calling…

When I was in school I loved reading and writing. And in primary school friends would gather around my desk to listen to me tell stories. Funny thing was, even when I didn’t have an audience, I would still write and tell the stories to myself. In modern day, I would have been institutionalised for talking to myself or seeing imaginary things (or maybe being called a genius … I guess that’s another story for another time).

As I try to piece together what were my passions as a child, I ask myself, am I still living my passion in some way or another? Has my life been aligned to my purpose? Or have I fallen off. I find I was rather a loner as a child, I stuck to myself a lot, was very obedient, played when I needed to, but enjoyed board games, pen and paper , was kind to others and was always scribbling etc

Now I know I have always been passionate about writing and serving others. So as I take a bold step to fuse the two together in volunteering, working and travelling our glorious continent and touching communities, take this journey with me…