I have dreaded July for months. Feeling a bit anxious, scared out of my mind to get to TODAY. I don't know what I expected. I dreaded waking up in this morning. I wish I could have taken a day off, but due to deadlines I could not afford to stay home reminiscing or torturing myself in sadness. I am grateful that today God kept me busy at work that I did not have time to think or feel way too emotional. I had so much on my plate, figures, spread sheets to sort out and a lot to concentrate on. Time flew and I hardly noticed the day.
It's a year since Sicelo passed. How time flies... I was playing The Script, one of the lyrics goes something like: "There's no start, there's no end cos this love it transcends. The energy never dies..." I am grateful for life as we breathe it daily, opportunities and great health. Oh cut the mambo jumbo positive talk already. It hurts to think of him. I am fine. I guess. Or at least I hope...
I see him in every young and skinny young man I see... Today was really a strange day, I was calmer than usual. Maybe I was way too guarded that I shouldn't just lose it. I was calmer on the road, even when frustrated I was calm. My brother was a very quite, calm and meek soul. I am glad I could honour today with the gentleness he had.
I did not touch base with my sister or mom today. I think we all need to find our way through the maze. We heal differently, it's a journey. Strange that a year on we have not even discarded his ashes. I guess as an Afrikan family, who have never had cremation done I am not even sure what we should do with the ashes. We have disagreements on where to lay/ scatter or keep his ashes. I just gave up and my mom can make that call.
I would have liked him to be laid to rest in our dad's grave I guess. Two for the price of one. Why keep them apart when they were so much alike. Plus my dad "can" orientate my brother once they are reunited... My mind wanders off to a heart warming hug, long time my son, I missed you, me too, let me show you around... Ok I digress a bit, humour has a way of making things feel much lighter.
He passed away at 19h00pm on 16 July 2014. No illness. Not an accident. Not suicide. Strange. A lot of questions. No answers...
Afrika's soil has cocooned her son and wrapped him in her bosom in perfect peace...
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Dentist drill of death...
It's almost Easter and all my Easter church plans plus my birthday celebrations next week seem like they are canned. I'm naturally healthy and strong as a horse. At times I feel being on medical aid is a waste of money since I am never sickly. I rarely get flu and will self medicate with ginger, mint, cinnamon and honey to get rid of it. The last 2 serious cases I have been to see doctors was 1) in 2006 when my father passed away, I was depressed and couldn't eat nor sleep. 2) In 2010 after drinking local water in Malawi, I had a runny tummy, was throwing up and lost my appetite. Anyone who knows me knows I don't mess around, I love my food. I was admitted on suspicion of malaria as well. 3 days later I was cleared.
At 36, I've never had any teeth or gum related incidents except once a year going for my dental check up (hides face). On Sunday I had a sore throat, earache and a swollen gum. I didn't know what was happening and couldn't sleep much since my tooth was throbbing the whole night. Since Monday was a hectic day at work with interviews, I decided to go in and sort some things out while I googled the next available and nearest dentist. So naturally I didn't know what to expect. I was initially irritated by old looking furniture and sinking couches in the reception area. I am very passionate about a clean, bright, welcoming and sterile looking doctor's reception area.
As nice and calming as Dr. Ndebele Sibanda was, nothing could have prepared me for the agonising hell I was about to endure. She explained that she ran out of gas over the weekend, but can administer a local anaesthetic to numb the pain. That should have been a warning sign, but I didn't know what to expect. I told her I have a low threshold for pain, should she not borrow gas from another dentist. She said she is the only dentist in the building who uses gas. I asked if I shouldn't be referred to a hospital or specialist, she said bookings can take days. Fair enough I was in a lot of pain and needed to get the tooth removed. She explained the process, possible nerve damage and made me sign on the dotted lines. So I guess I cannot sue her in future if anything went wrong.
With no dental history record I thought the 2 injections are kicking in, this should be easy peasy. She said the worst is over. (I am laughing now, but if I knew that was not true I would have ran faster than Forrest). She discovered that my left bottom wisdom tooth is hidden deeper within my gums. So she had to cut the gums in order to loosen the tooth. I have never seen a determined rooted I-will-not-be-moved-stubborn body part that wouldn't budge. My tooth was met with an eager dentist who also had to prove she can take it out. She kept administering more of the anaesthetic injections, this just kept making my lips and cheek numb but didn't stop the tooth from feeling pain and pressure. I kept stopping her several times in between tears, to say I can't do this. She kept encouraging me that we are almost there. I had so many shots of numbing injections, ferocious grinding, drilling and suction to no avail. The tooth just wouldn't budge. Apparently my mouth is too small to widen up to accommodate her tools. Really! I'm thinking maybe she has a limited edition of tools and equipment.
The top of my wisdom tooth was cut off and I almost choked on it in between my sobs. Then she decided to cut the tooth into half to try and grab it from another angle. I still stopped her to say I should be referred to a specialist or hospital. With the pain I forgot to pray or even note the beautiful gospel music playing in the background: "Our God is an awesome God" and "What a friend we have in Jesus." And I'm thinking Lord, I cannot afford to die on this chair. No one knows where I am, I left my phone at work plus I'm turning 37 next week. Please let us get this done.
After 3+ excruciating hours of pain, numbness, my head spinning, my ear throbbing, my throat, bottom teeth and lips feel like they are draping on the floor. I finally told her to STOP! Eventually she cleans up the tooth and stitches up the gums. Call me vain, but she used blue "cotton wire like". Seriously! Blue! Of all colours. My mind drifted off to the movie Hangover, at Stu's wedding to his Thai bride. How the father in law to be said he is just a dentist, a dentist is not a real doctor. Hee hee hee. I was glad to realise despite the tons of injections, trauma to my teeth and in the horrific state I was in, I hadn't lost my whopped sense of humour and sarcasm. She gave me 6 painkillers to drink up, then said this was not too bad some patients actually have broken jaws from trying to remove a widom tooth. After 3+ hours I had a broken tooth, was in far more pain than when I arrived, now all my bottom strong teeth were in pain not just one wisdom tooth. I told her I cannot pay for a job I am not satisfied with. I have drooling saliva and cannot even feel it. Damn this is so not sexy at all.
It is on days like this that I truly wish for my better half. Someone who could've come to pick me up, wrap me in his arms, allowed me to cry on his shoulder, drive me home, wait on me hand and foot. All the while telling me it's ok, shout if you need anything my beautiful, tuck me in bed and kissed my forehead speedy recovery. Oh dear Lord you owe me this one at least...
Day 2 : was fuzzy, after drinking meds, throwing up and having a runny tummy all I wanted was sleep as I was still in pain and drained. Oh by the way the doctor sent me an sms last night to check up on me. What to expect swollen face, rinse teeth with salt water etc.
Day 3 : These pills knock me out. Lower left teeth very sore, left lower lip still very numb and swollen. Wonder how long it is meant to last.
Day 4: A friend booked me an appointment with her tried and tested dentist, Dr Amit Galal in Ferndale. He was much kinder especially for the trauma I went through, did a lot of Q&A, explanation, looked at my meds asked me to continue until I finish the course. He is also worried about the sensational numbness on my lower lip and teeth. My nerves may be damaged due to enduring hours of trauma and pressure. Dentists should know their limitations, that's why a wisdom tooth should never be pulled at a dentist's chair but by a dental surgeon in a hospital. Dr Galal said we should monitor the progress and next Friday he may have to refer me to a specialist who can help with the nerves. Why was Dr Ndebele Sibanda not realistic or "honest" about the magnitude of the procedure, her limited tools or when she realised after a few struggles that she should have called an ambulance to whisk me off to hospital. Are we so stuck in making money that we are willing to risk lives. Is it lack of knowledge or real life scenarios or my ignorance that is now my punishment. I wonder... I will be home, drinking up my food and lazing around in the meantime. I've stocked up on soft porridge, mageu, soup, yoghurt, juice and yes even baby dessert purity. No judgement please.
I guess I should say Happy Easter break in advance.
I am a believer and do realise the possible facts about nerve damage HOWEVER I have a God with a healing touch...
At 36, I've never had any teeth or gum related incidents except once a year going for my dental check up (hides face). On Sunday I had a sore throat, earache and a swollen gum. I didn't know what was happening and couldn't sleep much since my tooth was throbbing the whole night. Since Monday was a hectic day at work with interviews, I decided to go in and sort some things out while I googled the next available and nearest dentist. So naturally I didn't know what to expect. I was initially irritated by old looking furniture and sinking couches in the reception area. I am very passionate about a clean, bright, welcoming and sterile looking doctor's reception area.
As nice and calming as Dr. Ndebele Sibanda was, nothing could have prepared me for the agonising hell I was about to endure. She explained that she ran out of gas over the weekend, but can administer a local anaesthetic to numb the pain. That should have been a warning sign, but I didn't know what to expect. I told her I have a low threshold for pain, should she not borrow gas from another dentist. She said she is the only dentist in the building who uses gas. I asked if I shouldn't be referred to a hospital or specialist, she said bookings can take days. Fair enough I was in a lot of pain and needed to get the tooth removed. She explained the process, possible nerve damage and made me sign on the dotted lines. So I guess I cannot sue her in future if anything went wrong.
With no dental history record I thought the 2 injections are kicking in, this should be easy peasy. She said the worst is over. (I am laughing now, but if I knew that was not true I would have ran faster than Forrest). She discovered that my left bottom wisdom tooth is hidden deeper within my gums. So she had to cut the gums in order to loosen the tooth. I have never seen a determined rooted I-will-not-be-moved-stubborn body part that wouldn't budge. My tooth was met with an eager dentist who also had to prove she can take it out. She kept administering more of the anaesthetic injections, this just kept making my lips and cheek numb but didn't stop the tooth from feeling pain and pressure. I kept stopping her several times in between tears, to say I can't do this. She kept encouraging me that we are almost there. I had so many shots of numbing injections, ferocious grinding, drilling and suction to no avail. The tooth just wouldn't budge. Apparently my mouth is too small to widen up to accommodate her tools. Really! I'm thinking maybe she has a limited edition of tools and equipment.
The top of my wisdom tooth was cut off and I almost choked on it in between my sobs. Then she decided to cut the tooth into half to try and grab it from another angle. I still stopped her to say I should be referred to a specialist or hospital. With the pain I forgot to pray or even note the beautiful gospel music playing in the background: "Our God is an awesome God" and "What a friend we have in Jesus." And I'm thinking Lord, I cannot afford to die on this chair. No one knows where I am, I left my phone at work plus I'm turning 37 next week. Please let us get this done.
After 3+ excruciating hours of pain, numbness, my head spinning, my ear throbbing, my throat, bottom teeth and lips feel like they are draping on the floor. I finally told her to STOP! Eventually she cleans up the tooth and stitches up the gums. Call me vain, but she used blue "cotton wire like". Seriously! Blue! Of all colours. My mind drifted off to the movie Hangover, at Stu's wedding to his Thai bride. How the father in law to be said he is just a dentist, a dentist is not a real doctor. Hee hee hee. I was glad to realise despite the tons of injections, trauma to my teeth and in the horrific state I was in, I hadn't lost my whopped sense of humour and sarcasm. She gave me 6 painkillers to drink up, then said this was not too bad some patients actually have broken jaws from trying to remove a widom tooth. After 3+ hours I had a broken tooth, was in far more pain than when I arrived, now all my bottom strong teeth were in pain not just one wisdom tooth. I told her I cannot pay for a job I am not satisfied with. I have drooling saliva and cannot even feel it. Damn this is so not sexy at all.
It is on days like this that I truly wish for my better half. Someone who could've come to pick me up, wrap me in his arms, allowed me to cry on his shoulder, drive me home, wait on me hand and foot. All the while telling me it's ok, shout if you need anything my beautiful, tuck me in bed and kissed my forehead speedy recovery. Oh dear Lord you owe me this one at least...
Day 2 : was fuzzy, after drinking meds, throwing up and having a runny tummy all I wanted was sleep as I was still in pain and drained. Oh by the way the doctor sent me an sms last night to check up on me. What to expect swollen face, rinse teeth with salt water etc.
Day 3 : These pills knock me out. Lower left teeth very sore, left lower lip still very numb and swollen. Wonder how long it is meant to last.
Day 4: A friend booked me an appointment with her tried and tested dentist, Dr Amit Galal in Ferndale. He was much kinder especially for the trauma I went through, did a lot of Q&A, explanation, looked at my meds asked me to continue until I finish the course. He is also worried about the sensational numbness on my lower lip and teeth. My nerves may be damaged due to enduring hours of trauma and pressure. Dentists should know their limitations, that's why a wisdom tooth should never be pulled at a dentist's chair but by a dental surgeon in a hospital. Dr Galal said we should monitor the progress and next Friday he may have to refer me to a specialist who can help with the nerves. Why was Dr Ndebele Sibanda not realistic or "honest" about the magnitude of the procedure, her limited tools or when she realised after a few struggles that she should have called an ambulance to whisk me off to hospital. Are we so stuck in making money that we are willing to risk lives. Is it lack of knowledge or real life scenarios or my ignorance that is now my punishment. I wonder... I will be home, drinking up my food and lazing around in the meantime. I've stocked up on soft porridge, mageu, soup, yoghurt, juice and yes even baby dessert purity. No judgement please.
I guess I should say Happy Easter break in advance.
I am a believer and do realise the possible facts about nerve damage HOWEVER I have a God with a healing touch...
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Everyday I'm shuffling...
Everyday I’m shuffling... Party Rock Anthem - Lauren Bennett, GoonRock
Today was VERY rough... I got a call while at work from *BEEP* Bank. Firstly acknowledging my late brother’s death, asking for proof of his death and THEN pushing for a death certificate to be sent through TODAY! My mom contacted the bank to inform them of his death. Why had they not gotten in touch or asked for documentation within that first month, not 4 months down the line. I just lost it!!! All the bottled up emotions. The perfected "I’m fine, thank you’s". The masked layers of I’m-doing-great. The walls came tumbling down.
I found myself barely able to breathe or talk. I went to the bathroom to escape my desk and compose myself. And for some odd reason; all my in case of emergency contacts, were not available. I was stuck in the car park for over 30 minutes trying hard to gain composure. I didn’t realise I was not in the right frame of mind to drive until I saw lights flickering, cars hooting then it dawned on me that I was facing oncoming traffic...
I raced to get home to my sanctuary to find solace. Thank You Lord I got hold of a friend in need, Ntombi who contained and helped to navigate me home. Now I understand why my friend, Thembi (a Psychologist) has been pushing and nagging me to seek help before things get out of hand. I finally made the call to seek professional help. I guess I now realise that even though I may be very strong I DO need the help.
Maybe the problem was trying to move on too quickly and getting myself into functioning mode. But from experience of losing my dad, I didnt want to find myself beyond repair, therefore the need to get on with it. My brother's loss was sudden, not expected and just reopened the scars that were buried. In the past I used to wonder why someone in their 60s still cried over the loss of their 90 year old parent. Like really, did you expect them to live forever! Comparing the fact that my dad passed away at the of age 55 and my baby brother was only 23 years old. Werent they too young and more deserving of more years than a 90 year old? Loss is loss is loss. There is no small loss, just the impact experienced by the loss.
This is so much out of character for me to openly share my pain, especially publicly. Even though I feel exposed, on the other hand it's as if I can breathe better by capturing whatever emotions I go through. One motivation to write could be that my late brother was a writer and poet, not necessarily a talker. I realise how wise he was, as I continue to capture these bottled up feelings and unleash my pain onto paper. Or in this case keyboard.
Most days are fine, life goes on I guess. I feel like I've “moved on and accepted” his loss. Some days are a bit tricky though, I wake up down and feeling low. I keep fighting through, keep on keeping on. Everyday I’m shuffling whatever emotions life evokes and put on my big girl panties and deal!
Strange title and song considering the emotionally charged tough day I had. Funny though that this is my HAPPY get up and go song... I played the song, jumped right out of bed, danced and laughed as I cannot keep up with the moves. Yep, this song got me on my feet. ;-)
Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
And we gonna make you lose your mind
Everybody just have a good time
We just wanna see you "Shake that"
Everyday I'm shuffling
Today was VERY rough... I got a call while at work from *BEEP* Bank. Firstly acknowledging my late brother’s death, asking for proof of his death and THEN pushing for a death certificate to be sent through TODAY! My mom contacted the bank to inform them of his death. Why had they not gotten in touch or asked for documentation within that first month, not 4 months down the line. I just lost it!!! All the bottled up emotions. The perfected "I’m fine, thank you’s". The masked layers of I’m-doing-great. The walls came tumbling down.
I found myself barely able to breathe or talk. I went to the bathroom to escape my desk and compose myself. And for some odd reason; all my in case of emergency contacts, were not available. I was stuck in the car park for over 30 minutes trying hard to gain composure. I didn’t realise I was not in the right frame of mind to drive until I saw lights flickering, cars hooting then it dawned on me that I was facing oncoming traffic...
I raced to get home to my sanctuary to find solace. Thank You Lord I got hold of a friend in need, Ntombi who contained and helped to navigate me home. Now I understand why my friend, Thembi (a Psychologist) has been pushing and nagging me to seek help before things get out of hand. I finally made the call to seek professional help. I guess I now realise that even though I may be very strong I DO need the help.
Maybe the problem was trying to move on too quickly and getting myself into functioning mode. But from experience of losing my dad, I didnt want to find myself beyond repair, therefore the need to get on with it. My brother's loss was sudden, not expected and just reopened the scars that were buried. In the past I used to wonder why someone in their 60s still cried over the loss of their 90 year old parent. Like really, did you expect them to live forever! Comparing the fact that my dad passed away at the of age 55 and my baby brother was only 23 years old. Werent they too young and more deserving of more years than a 90 year old? Loss is loss is loss. There is no small loss, just the impact experienced by the loss.
This is so much out of character for me to openly share my pain, especially publicly. Even though I feel exposed, on the other hand it's as if I can breathe better by capturing whatever emotions I go through. One motivation to write could be that my late brother was a writer and poet, not necessarily a talker. I realise how wise he was, as I continue to capture these bottled up feelings and unleash my pain onto paper. Or in this case keyboard.
Most days are fine, life goes on I guess. I feel like I've “moved on and accepted” his loss. Some days are a bit tricky though, I wake up down and feeling low. I keep fighting through, keep on keeping on. Everyday I’m shuffling whatever emotions life evokes and put on my big girl panties and deal!
Strange title and song considering the emotionally charged tough day I had. Funny though that this is my HAPPY get up and go song... I played the song, jumped right out of bed, danced and laughed as I cannot keep up with the moves. Yep, this song got me on my feet. ;-)
Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
And we gonna make you lose your mind
Everybody just have a good time
We just wanna see you "Shake that"
Everyday I'm shuffling
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Bon Jovi concert with my brother
Bon Jovi concert with my brother
11 May 2013
Epic performance is an understatement!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
When I'm Gone - by Mrs. Lyman Hancock
In memory of my baby bro'
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile
Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day
Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay
And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best
In memory of my baby bro'
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile
Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day
Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay
And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Loss...
I don't know if I have processed it yet. I guess not. Not really sure what to write really... How does one ever capture loss? I guess you can't. You can only feel it. Process it. Work through it. And someday heal and live through it. Forever missed
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)